Being a parent is hard. Not hard like trying to do a crossword and realizing you arent as smart as you thought you were… hard like ‘Dear sweet baby jesus, what did I DO? I created the very thing that is  giving me grey hairs and is most likely going to kill me! Where’s my wine?!?’

I have friends that do not want kids like ever. A couple of them have said to me that if they did have kids it would be because I make it look so easy. Like, in what universe do I make anything look easy, but thanks? *smiles*

Here’s what a typical 30 minute period as a parent looks like in my home…

I’m sitting in the bathroom on a kids stool watching my daughter take a bath. Rewind 15 minutes before to when she was being a monster and screaming her head off. I decide that yes, a bath is what the little crank ass needs. So I ask her if she wants to take a bath. She instantly turns into a light bulb and runs for the bathroom where she bangs on the door to get in. Bathtub=play time in the water and happy baby.  Now I’m on the stool watching her play. She loves to splash all the water out of the tub so I have purchased a clear shower liner so that I can watch her and let her splash her heart out. She begins to open the curtain and dump water out by the cup full. I threaten her with removing her from the tub if she doesn’t stop. She laughs and tries to dump another cup of water all over me. I say ‘okay then… all done’, as I reach for the drain plug. As soon as the water starts to drain I turn to grab the towel and hear the water splash to floor as well as the cup she throws my way as if the neener-neener is implied. I throw a towel at the mess on the floor as I am wrapping her in another.

Then, in the kitchen I hear a splash and the clink of a glass hitting the counter as my asshole cat spills my full glass of water all over the counter and stack of papers nearby. Sweet bloody hell what is happening right now? I feel as thought I am drowning in all the water all over my house. I grab another towel and the baby burrito and head to the kitchen. I throw the towel onto the counter and try to clean up the mess and the baby is squirming all over the place in my arm. I am also 8 months pregnant and tired. SOOO TIRED! I manage to clean the mess and head to grab a diaper for the baby since I remember that she is still naked. I literally make it to her room and grab a diaper as she pees right through the towel and soaks my side.

30 minutes.  30 MINUTES!!! That’s all the time it takes to go absolutely bat-shit crazy as a parent. Thank goodness that babies are cute or the human race would go extinct. I can’t wait until I can drink again.

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